Can't Sleep

The things that keep us awake at night are always good for talking about in notes. However, I won't discuss too much openly here. I want to write, but I don't want to pour everything out on Facebook, or even on a piece of paper at home. Learn from the past and move on, right?
I used to be the kid in high school who moped around trying to get attention. I did have real reasons to be sad, but I let it consume me. Because of that, I hate writing blogs and sounding depressed. In fact, I hate telling anyone about problems. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin right now, and I don't think I ever have. I'm reading the youth translation of Brennan Manning's "Abba's Child," and as a result, I'm trying desperately to learn to love myself. The truth is, though, that there are so many things about me that I despise. I want to pretend like body image isn't an issue for me. I want to pretend that I think purely and have everything under control. I wish I could go back to how I was when I was in fourth grade. Back then, I was a good boy because it was how I felt convicted to be. I truly believed in loving others. As time went on, people saw those things and began to think that I was a great kid. I was a leader in the youth group at my church (if not THE leader). I was the one who was supposed to become a missionary. But I began to put on for others. I don't know what was authentic anymore. Did I do all of that because I was close to God, or did I do it to impress others?
I've begun a quest for reality. I strive only to show nothing more and nothing less than who I am. I believe in painful but loving honesty. I believe in cleaning up all the bullshit lying around. I've stopped believing in evangelism for the sake of evangelism. Relationships are key.
I've stopped believing in perfection. I know no one claims to be perfect, but do we not sacrifice every comfort in order to maintain the image of it? If we can't progressively be perfect, then we certainly must look good in whatever endeavors we pursue.
No.
Sorry, I'm not. I hope and pray that I will stop trying to act like it.