Taken from a 27 March Facebook entry...
So I'm stuck in this mode tonight.
What am I? I look at pictures, and some would say I see what I am. But that's only an image, so it's not me.
In my memory I see my family, but the living, breathing family of today is not that. So is it my family? Is the present all that is? Because things in the past WERE, as we learn when we study other languages. But is the present really valid? Can it be? It's not what WILL BE.
Sometimes we lose ourselves in other worlds. Or maybe we find ourselves there. Maybe we find pieces of ourselves spread across our interests, our weaknesses, our talents, and our strengths and dirty weaknesses. What does it mean to be me?
"The whole is more than the sum of its parts," says Aristotle. So I am Buster. But I'm also Francis. I live in Kentucky. I play some music. I speak three languages.
That list could go on and on. Take one away, and you don't have me anymore, you have something less.
I am a unique mixture of these things, but perhaps I'm only in a unique package. Maybe there are thousands, if not millions, of other "types" like me. Other "mixtures" that are just put together differently from the outside.
Some things I realized though are that we can NOT escape from ourselves forever.
We can easily deceive ourselves to believe something that is not true as long as we will it to be true. So is truth then absolute, or is it how we perceive it?
If it's how we perceive it, then the "mentally unstable" are seeing truth. But if they're seeing truth, and we're seeing truth, then perhaps truth is multi-faceted.
But if they're insane, then truth is in the eyes of the masses. But what if the masses are wrong?
In the end, isn't truth only decided by the ones who outnumber the others? Isn't that the principle of democracy? Don't we see this at work in what we call "fair trials"?
I can't escape who I am. I can only deceive myself and make myself believe I'm what I'm not. But finding out exactly what parts go into the complicated equation of "me" is going to be difficult, if not impossible. But then again, maybe it's not necessary. Maybe I should just accept myself as the whole? But if I only see what I think is there, am I really seeing the true me? Let's say the answer to equation one is "x" and the answer to equation two is "y." If y is the truth, but x is a perceived notion based on observable values, then it's very easy to conclude that x is not y. Is this making sense?
And at one point in life I was interested in inverse equations (otherwise known as opposing forces). If that's the case, if people fit into this blank and barebones algebraic theory, do each of us also have an inverse value?
If "you" (or whatever vestige of yourself you may be deceived to think you are) would like to delve deeper into these thoughts, talk to me. Or watch the movie "The Nines." It will make you think. As for me, I'm going to stare at my ceiling and think about this for a while.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Saturday, September 27, 2008
एवेर्य्थिंग इस Different
I have no idea why my titles come up like that. The first two jarbles of words are supposed to be "Everything" and "Is."
It's really hard to put my finger on the things that are different.
But I guess if you spend as much time in other countries, on a college campus or traveling in general as I do, life will never consist of any sort of solid foundation of continuity.
I look at friendships growing, friendships dying, feelings of love disappearing almost completely, and I wonder what I can really rely on these days. I guess maybe I'm at the point in my life where change begins to sound less appealing. Or maybe it still does. The idea of traveling abroad sounds great, but the idea of leaving so much behind is terrible.
"..and eventually, the only thing they had in common were their differences..."
I don't really know what I want from life at this point. I think I'll move to Mexico next year, but is that going to be different now that I've been away from there for several years? Germany feels much further away this year than it has in the last few years. Going home is like stepping into a totally different world...or maybe like seeing a place I only know at night during the day. I'm watching my country get weaker, be it through our politicians' inability to unite for some common good or the simple passage of time, the National Enquirer is actually competing with mainstream news media, the presidential campaign is looking more like American Idol than an actual election...
I don't really know what I can rely on anymore. Money isn't always there. Friendships are ridiculously fragile. My body only has a certain amount of time.
This country appears to be on the fast track to ruin. This world will almost certainly follow suit if we people don't straighten up.
I don't know what I want, but I keep having weird images in my head of being an important leader, or launching a huge attack against AIDS and world poverty...
Beyond that, not a lot really matters to me. And I'm quite serious about that.
It's really hard to put my finger on the things that are different.
But I guess if you spend as much time in other countries, on a college campus or traveling in general as I do, life will never consist of any sort of solid foundation of continuity.
I look at friendships growing, friendships dying, feelings of love disappearing almost completely, and I wonder what I can really rely on these days. I guess maybe I'm at the point in my life where change begins to sound less appealing. Or maybe it still does. The idea of traveling abroad sounds great, but the idea of leaving so much behind is terrible.
"..and eventually, the only thing they had in common were their differences..."
I don't really know what I want from life at this point. I think I'll move to Mexico next year, but is that going to be different now that I've been away from there for several years? Germany feels much further away this year than it has in the last few years. Going home is like stepping into a totally different world...or maybe like seeing a place I only know at night during the day. I'm watching my country get weaker, be it through our politicians' inability to unite for some common good or the simple passage of time, the National Enquirer is actually competing with mainstream news media, the presidential campaign is looking more like American Idol than an actual election...
I don't really know what I can rely on anymore. Money isn't always there. Friendships are ridiculously fragile. My body only has a certain amount of time.
This country appears to be on the fast track to ruin. This world will almost certainly follow suit if we people don't straighten up.
I don't know what I want, but I keep having weird images in my head of being an important leader, or launching a huge attack against AIDS and world poverty...
Beyond that, not a lot really matters to me. And I'm quite serious about that.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
फ्रेंच अफेयर्स
(I don't know why the title looks like it's written with some foreign script.)
So, according to my French professor, love in France is a game. You ignore the one you love. I think we also do this in America.
Similarly, it's also uncomfortable to express to friends how much they mean to you. Once, someone told me that I was a good friend...it was a really intense moment. I gave a thumbs up, because I felt too awkward to say anything else. That was stupid.
Telling someone that you're interested in them takes time...at least with me. I'm just reflecting on it at the moment, but I think it's crazy how we desperately go for those things that present themselves impossible to achieve, while things that practically throw themselves at our feet are taken for granted.
Maybe it's time to re-evaluate my life and take the things that are there for me now.
This is nothing deep. I'm just thinking about the idea.
So, according to my French professor, love in France is a game. You ignore the one you love. I think we also do this in America.
Similarly, it's also uncomfortable to express to friends how much they mean to you. Once, someone told me that I was a good friend...it was a really intense moment. I gave a thumbs up, because I felt too awkward to say anything else. That was stupid.
Telling someone that you're interested in them takes time...at least with me. I'm just reflecting on it at the moment, but I think it's crazy how we desperately go for those things that present themselves impossible to achieve, while things that practically throw themselves at our feet are taken for granted.
Maybe it's time to re-evaluate my life and take the things that are there for me now.
This is nothing deep. I'm just thinking about the idea.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Spring
Spring has sprung here in Murray. All I can say about this is that life is great. I have amazing friends. I have amazing times with those friends. I'm always sentimental about them, but I can't help thanking God for them everyday.
I also have the worst timing ever. I'll learn to think my timing through a little better the next time. La presencia del miedo es la ausencia del gozo. The presence of fear is the absence of joy.
I came up with that myself...at least, I don't think I got it from someone else. Had I thought along those lines about a month ago I might be singing a slightly different, but nonetheless still happy tune.
With this post I'm simply reestablishing (or maybe re-establishing) blogging habits, though I've posted a few things here and there on Facebook. I need a digital camera. There are important things in my life I need to show here.
I also have the worst timing ever. I'll learn to think my timing through a little better the next time. La presencia del miedo es la ausencia del gozo. The presence of fear is the absence of joy.
I came up with that myself...at least, I don't think I got it from someone else. Had I thought along those lines about a month ago I might be singing a slightly different, but nonetheless still happy tune.
With this post I'm simply reestablishing (or maybe re-establishing) blogging habits, though I've posted a few things here and there on Facebook. I need a digital camera. There are important things in my life I need to show here.
Monday, December 3, 2007
Can't Sleep
The things that keep us awake at night are always good for talking about in notes. However, I won't discuss too much openly here. I want to write, but I don't want to pour everything out on Facebook, or even on a piece of paper at home. Learn from the past and move on, right?
I used to be the kid in high school who moped around trying to get attention. I did have real reasons to be sad, but I let it consume me. Because of that, I hate writing blogs and sounding depressed. In fact, I hate telling anyone about problems. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin right now, and I don't think I ever have. I'm reading the youth translation of Brennan Manning's "Abba's Child," and as a result, I'm trying desperately to learn to love myself. The truth is, though, that there are so many things about me that I despise. I want to pretend like body image isn't an issue for me. I want to pretend that I think purely and have everything under control. I wish I could go back to how I was when I was in fourth grade. Back then, I was a good boy because it was how I felt convicted to be. I truly believed in loving others. As time went on, people saw those things and began to think that I was a great kid. I was a leader in the youth group at my church (if not THE leader). I was the one who was supposed to become a missionary. But I began to put on for others. I don't know what was authentic anymore. Did I do all of that because I was close to God, or did I do it to impress others?
I've begun a quest for reality. I strive only to show nothing more and nothing less than who I am. I believe in painful but loving honesty. I believe in cleaning up all the bullshit lying around. I've stopped believing in evangelism for the sake of evangelism. Relationships are key.
I've stopped believing in perfection. I know no one claims to be perfect, but do we not sacrifice every comfort in order to maintain the image of it? If we can't progressively be perfect, then we certainly must look good in whatever endeavors we pursue.
No.
Sorry, I'm not. I hope and pray that I will stop trying to act like it.
I used to be the kid in high school who moped around trying to get attention. I did have real reasons to be sad, but I let it consume me. Because of that, I hate writing blogs and sounding depressed. In fact, I hate telling anyone about problems. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin right now, and I don't think I ever have. I'm reading the youth translation of Brennan Manning's "Abba's Child," and as a result, I'm trying desperately to learn to love myself. The truth is, though, that there are so many things about me that I despise. I want to pretend like body image isn't an issue for me. I want to pretend that I think purely and have everything under control. I wish I could go back to how I was when I was in fourth grade. Back then, I was a good boy because it was how I felt convicted to be. I truly believed in loving others. As time went on, people saw those things and began to think that I was a great kid. I was a leader in the youth group at my church (if not THE leader). I was the one who was supposed to become a missionary. But I began to put on for others. I don't know what was authentic anymore. Did I do all of that because I was close to God, or did I do it to impress others?
I've begun a quest for reality. I strive only to show nothing more and nothing less than who I am. I believe in painful but loving honesty. I believe in cleaning up all the bullshit lying around. I've stopped believing in evangelism for the sake of evangelism. Relationships are key.
I've stopped believing in perfection. I know no one claims to be perfect, but do we not sacrifice every comfort in order to maintain the image of it? If we can't progressively be perfect, then we certainly must look good in whatever endeavors we pursue.
No.
Sorry, I'm not. I hope and pray that I will stop trying to act like it.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Water
Water is clear...
Air is clear.
Glass is clear.
But I would say that my water is a bit murky,
my air a little cloudy,
my glass somewhat hazy.
But that's ok. I'm happy now because it was completely opaque.
Air is clear.
Glass is clear.
But I would say that my water is a bit murky,
my air a little cloudy,
my glass somewhat hazy.
But that's ok. I'm happy now because it was completely opaque.
Water
Water is clear...
Air is clear.
Glass is clear.
But I would say that my water is a bit murky,
my air a little cloudy,
my glass somewhat hazy.
But that's ok. I'm happy now because it was completely opaque.
Air is clear.
Glass is clear.
But I would say that my water is a bit murky,
my air a little cloudy,
my glass somewhat hazy.
But that's ok. I'm happy now because it was completely opaque.
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